Dear Jeanne,
OK – I’m just going to ask this: Why do men need sex so much?
I truly don’t get it. I mean, we aren’t teenagers anymore …
Work, children, house stuff … I barely find time to work out anymore! Where is the energy for sex supposed to come from?
My husband actually TICKS ME OFF when he gets all lovey-dovey and starts “the dance” which means that he wants sex. I mostly ignore or pull away (now and then I respond – just to keep the peace).
My friends laugh at me, but I am so serious. I’ve lost my own spark and I’m not even sure that sex matters to me anymore.
Anything that you can say to help, I’m all ears!
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Dear All Ears,
There are a couple of things that come to mind – and a few suggestions.
Being exhausted as a woman who has forgotten to supply her own personal needs is epidemic in our current culture. We seek to be Superwoman and to be all to everyone else, forgetting to prioritize our own needs. That results in an empty tank – where there is no more to give and no available energy to enjoy living.
Not prioritizing relaxation and fun is a huge barrier to being in the moment and enjoying sex. From what you have offered here, you might be “overdrawn” in your own energy account and not have anything left to offer your husband.
For this type of situation, a switch in lenses is very important. Beginning to see yourself as a priority, perhaps even senior to work, children, husband, house demands, might feel like a “leap” to you – but it’s an important adjustment to make.
Not desiring sex is often linked to exhaustion. Exhaustion of your own core energy is most likely a big factor here.
When we take on new roles (career, wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, bottlewasher, errand runner), they stack up on the pre-existing ones, and eventually, there is a “tilt” – or that one more thing that there just isn’t energy left to give. It is not uncommon for women to experience some of what you have shared here, and the answer is always to prioritize self first.
Prioritizing yourself might seem “selfish”, yet it is the only way to happiness. We cannot give from a tank that is empty. Filling your own tank is your responsibility (as filling mine is my responsibility).
I would start by making a list of things that you truly enjoy. The things that just create a feel-good or centeredness inside of you. Your list should reflect things that you love to do.
You mention not always having time to work out – and I would ask, how can you recreate your schedule to work out or take a walk each day or work/sit in your garden each day?
Many who I have worked with find that starting the day with prayer or meditation, reading from a sacred volume, journaling, walking outside, sitting in the garden with their coffee or tea in the early morning hours, or getting a workout in first thing contribute to their inner tank staying filled. It is a daily practice that you can find (even just one of those or something else that fuels you and feeds your wholeness).
Sex and the desire for sex are directly tied to your tank feeling filled. When your energy resources are being prioritized, your tank is more filled. (Some systems of delegation might be a good idea for you as well, but that takes the conversation in a different direction.)
A stronger drive for sex is often associated with the male species, and I am certain that there is some of that occurring here. The need for sexual expression is primary for most men. However, it is not a male-only tendency and there are plenty of women who absolutely enjoy and have a heightened appetite for sex.
Sex is a beautiful communication frequency that is reserved for our partner, in a monogamous relationship. It is an important communication frequency that keeps the relationship esteemed higher than others in our lives.
Sexual expression is one of the most beautiful gifts that a couple shares. It is more than just a physical release. It is most beautiful when its sacred frequency is honored.
There are multiple reasons for declined or declining sexual appetite. I have focused on your own personal energy, which is the easiest to address. There are hormonal changes that women experience, that can and often do contribute to decreased sexual appetite. Ultimately, sexual communication involves frequencies that are physical, emotional, and spiritual in nature.
Past incidents and harboring resentments can impact our emotional openness and desire for sex. Forgiveness work can open the emotional channel and restore an enormous amount of native energy to us.
Real conversation with your husband is needed. He might feel the need to reach for you sexually so often as he needs to be affirmed that he is important to you – that he is a priority. Regularly setting aside quality time for just you and him is important, whether sex occurs or not.
There are lots of avenues of potential discussion here between you. Prioritizing a weekend away each month, just the two of you can increase the love flow between you. If a weekend is not an option, an overnight stay at a hotel with dinner out (or breakfast) can reinforce the bonds in your relationship and bring the spark forward.
Start with you – apply the suggestion of prioritizing yourself daily and then move into communication and reconnection with your husband and the life union that you are creating together.
As always, do ask for clarification in anything that I have mentioned here if needed.
Much love,
Jeanne