Dear Jeanne,
It has been almost three years since he left. I thought that we were happy – that we were meant to be together. We’ve known each other since grade school, dated for 5 years, married for 5, and now alone for 3.
Well, I’m alone – he is still with her and our divorce was final last year. They have a new baby, the baby that should have been ours. The one that we talked about having.
I have no desire to love again. I get asked out and don’t go. The few friends that I have are tired of me being so depressed. I still cry myself to sleep most nights.
I want to get past this in my life, but not sure that I can.
I’m still heartbroken.
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Dear Still Heartbroken,
I would love to hug you right now. Your hurt is real and I want to acknowledge that.
Childhood loves and first loves are some of the most difficult to move forward from, as the dream and the innocent belief runs so very strongly through us.
Acceptance is so very important: acceptance that what was, is no longer; acceptance that he is creating a life and a family with another; acceptance that the time for your relationship is now past; acceptance that you are in a new chapter of your life with new living available to you.
Acceptance is truly the first step in any recovery. We don’t want to emotionally accept, as that means the relationship truly is over – and there is a void where once something vibrant once lived. Anyone who has loved deeply will face this emotional stage of non-acceptance.
Divorce is a the public acknowledgment of a relationship death. As with many death experiences, there are often unanswered questions that stymie our own thinking. The circuitous nature of those questions-without-answers can keep us mentally occupied and in a never-ending pattern of grief.
We often avoid or dodge acceptance, as we recognize that it closes the door of past possibility. This feeling of the death of something does not feel good to acknowledge. It is almost as if maintaining the grief somehow keeps the old relationship alive.
Working with someone on this step (acceptance) is primary to your happiness and to the manifestation of your dream of creating the happy relationship and family that calls to you. Your healing time will be shortened once acceptance moves in.
My own heartbreak, that resulted from the demise of my first marriage, opened the doors to so many levels of magnificent discovery about myself, life, and others. Without that life-event, I might not be in a position to receive your question or even to understand the depth of the betrayal and separation that you have experienced. My mess released my passion for helping others move through their own mess of emotions.
Reach out for recommendations or referrals to a counselor who can help you to fully embrace acceptance and help you uncover lessons that your past relationship offered you. Once you take action in this way, you will find the magnificent adventure of getting to know your own self in a brand new way – increasing your wisdom and discernment.
Once acceptance moves in, the next level of vibrant living becomes available. Acceptance moves us from continually operating in the past (re-running what happened, fueled by disbelief) to operating from a lens of presence in the now. Everything becomes more dynamic, just in that one shift to the now.
As always, do reach out to me for any clarification.
Much love to you as you move into your next level of vibrant living,
Jeanne