Dear Jeanne,
I am divorcing the man I love. I have felt second to so many things for too, too long. I cannot keep living in a marriage feeling like money, work, his children, and even the gym are more important to him than I am.
I filed several months ago and we have been working through the legal stuff. We are still living under the same roof and it seems to get harder and harder to not show him how much I care for him.
I guess that I just did not realize how many emotions would be coming up for me. There are days that I truly question my decision and other times that I feel it’s the right thing.
What can you tell me to help me through this time?
Am I doing the right thing?
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Dear Am I Doing The Right Thing,
That is a question that only you can truly answer.
My suggestion is that you pause and investigate your motives and your plan. As I don’t know all of the details, I can tell you what I do know.
When a spouse feels neglected- that he or she competes with work, children, and other activities – that is not a great feeling. The best of relationships do offer both partners plenty of resources of time and communication to fill their “love tanks”.
I also know that love has the power to heal – and that flared egos can interfere with love’s capacity to do so.
Divorce is an emotional time. There can be some significant ups and downs that occur, as emotions are much more heightened during that transition. The fact that you are sharing the same living space (I am assuming with separate bedrooms) compounds the emotional aspects.
The one thing that I am sensing from your inquiry is that you still have deep feelings for your husband. Love is a powerful spirit and it can transform a mess into a magnificent new creation.
Did you pursue counseling at any point? If not, that is an avenue to definitely investigate. Even if you did counseling in the past, revisiting this option might provide the clarity that will prevent the possibility of future regret.
As tough as it can be to hear certain things, expressing ourselves under the direction of a professional’s guidance is of great value at any point of marriage or divorce. Counseling can be highly beneficial to a relationship, even when in the divorce stage.
Regret is a strong emotion to live with, especially over time. Gaining clarity and then taking action in the direction of what you feel is the right thing will ease that possible sense of regret.
As always, do reach out for further assistance or clarification on what I have offered here.
Much love,
Jeanne