Dear Jeanne,

When we were first together, I feel like my husband cared more about everyday things that we shared. I felt like we were special and he did little things to show me his love and that he valued me.

He has a good work ethic and definitely brings his best to his job (I also have a good work ethic). When he is not working he wants to do anything to “check out”. He’s here in physical presence and he’ll do what I ask around the house and with the kids, but he is not really here.

My friends tell me that it’s just the way it is and that relationships get boring over time. Is that true?

It’s Lackluster

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Dear Lackluster,

This sounds like an issue of inspiration or lack of it. The everyday cadence can become repetitive and we can get lost inside of our patterns of handling life.

At the beginning of a relationship, we are often enamored with the attraction that we feel for each other and is reciprocated. The chemistry that we have, the newness of the other person’s focus, and the outpouring of reciprocated attention bring a level of enchantment to our life. Life feels more naturally inspiring in the present and in the anticipation of the bigger picture of our future together inspires us, as well.

What most couples do not realize is that the energy that feels so natural at the beginning of their relationship will need to be more intentional as their relationship progresses. Life and the challenges and demands it presents us can and will disperse our focus and to have a vibrant relationship will require more intention.

In fact, there are some that never make it out of the initial growth curve of a relationship and do not make the life commitment when it no longer feels easy. Their craving for that early relationship stage of gratification causes them to continually chase that from relationship to relationship, preventing them from experiencing a deeper level of relationship.

You have made the commitment to share life and you now have the opportunity to intentionally create a newer and deeper level of relationship. In order to do that, you will first need to accept that you have the power to create through your own intentions and actions. This is a huge point and one missed by many – the power of one person within a relationship.

A relationship is a creation-ship and a co-creation-ship. You are both creating constantly, either intentionally or unintentionally. The creation of your relationship is constantly occurring.

I would pause and assess where you are in your own energy around the relationship. Are you living in an energy of disappointment and unmet expectations? Journaling around this can be really helpful, as it will help you in the sorting of your thoughts and feelings.

This is also where talking with a coach who has more knowledge and experience can provide accountability and expertise to move you through this process more quickly. Either way, the assessment is a very necessary step in moving your relationship forward.

Next, what is the vision that you hold for your relationship? What does it look like in its greatest form of itself? How do you feel inside of it and how does that look?

Once you look at both where you are and what the ideal scene looks like, you will see the gap between what is and where you want to go inside your relationship. Closing that gap will only occur with intention and energy directed toward the vision of the ideal.

You have the power to create the next level of your creation-ship. You can sit in unrealized expectations waiting to be rescued and continuing to be disappointed that you are not or you can assume the perspective of the creator that you truly are and begin creating in the direction of what you want.

In relationships, knowing and understanding the other person’s dominant love language(s) is very helpful. Doing things that feed your husband’s love language will very quickly create an inspired flow that is received and felt by him. Very often, this causes an upsurge in the relationship’s frequency, and kindnesses and inspired actions begin to be reciprocated.

From there, any number of things can be done to create next-level living inside of your relationship. The more that you remember that you are creating every minute of every day through your thoughts and actions, the more intentional you can be with your focus. Even one small thing daily can bring a new level of magic.

You will always get more of what you put your focus on. If your focus is on the disappointment of unmet expectations, you will get more of that. Directing this focus to intentionally flowing in the direction of the vision or ideal scene that you desire will cause inspired thoughts and actions, moving your relationship into new levels of being.

Your husband will naturally respond to this elevated energy and the dance of the virtuous cycle of up-leveling will begin. That virtuous cycle is a beautiful thing to live in and experience.

You can definitely do this on your own, however working with a coach or mentor can be a boost to this process, to move into that virtuous cycle faster.

And, please do reach out for any clarification on anything in my answer.

Much love,